Drew Payneís Website

Diamond Jubilee Concert Preparations

Preparations #1

Queen:††††††††† †††††††††††† (On her mobile phone)

Hello, I want to speak to Sir Elton John...

This is the Queen,,,

The Queen!...

No, Iím not Christopher Biggins! Does he still have a career?...

Iím Elizabeth, The Second, Queen of England, Scotland, Northern Ireland and the Commonwealth...

Yes, that old queen! Am I speaking to Sir Elton John, the other old queen?...

Good...

Youíve agreed to sing at my Diamond Jubilee Convert, at Buckingham Palace...

I have a request that you sing a certain one of your songs for me...

Would you sing Candle In The Wind, Goodbye English Rose?...

Because that song brings back such happy memories...

 

Preparations #2

Prince Charles:††††††††††† †††††††††††† (On his mobile phone)

I say, is that Anne Lennox?...

Great, great...

Iím Prince Charles, you know, heir to the throne and all that...

Camilla and I are very familiar with your body of work, especially when you used to wear those leather pants and strip down to your bra on stage...

Err, yes that was back in the eighties...

Youíre going to be singing at my motherís Diamond Jubilee Concert. Diamond Jubilee, sixty years on the throne. Sixty, very long years on the throne...

Yes, yes. Iíve got a little favour to ask of you...

Would you sing a certain song for me and dedicate it to my mother, telling her it came from me?...

The song...

Waiting in Vain...

Then my mother might finally take the bloody hint!...

 

Preparations #3

Queen:††††††††† †††††††††††† (On her mobile phone)

Is this Dame Shirley Bassey?...

This is Queen Elizabeth the Second...

The Queen of England...

The Queen!...

I believe youíll be performing at my Diamond Jubilee concert...

I have a request for you. Would you sing ďHey Big SpenderĒ, as a tribute to my mother. At the end of her life she had run up a two million pound overdraft. Two million? How can one person, one elderly person, all on her own, lose that amount of money betting on the gee-gees? And, Lord knows, whoíd have thought that Gordonís Gin cost so much, but what would I know, I donít carry any money around with me...

Pardon dear? You said something, but i was talking so I didnít listen to you,,,

You donít do requests. Youíre not a jukebox...

Listen to me, Dame Shirley Bassey, Iím the bloody Queen of England and I can strip someone of their title faster than you can change your frock. Remember Fred Goodwin, heís not a sir now. Is he, Dame Shirley?...

Good, glad we can see eye to eye on this...

Thereís only going to be one Diva at this concert...

 

Preparations #4

Camilla:††††† †††††††††††† (On her mobile phone)

Hello, is that Gary Barlow there?

Bloody super. This is Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall...

What?...

Well I guess I am ďCharlesí bitĒ (Giggles) No oneís ever called me that before. Itís rather thrilling, in a sort of gosh, golly, girlish way...

Why did I ring you? Oh, yes. Itís about my mother-in-lawís Diamond Jubilee concert, youíre the one organising it...

Youíve got JLS performing at it...

Is there any chance you could get them to perform in just their little pants?...

You havenít been to any of these royal occasions. They are so boring...

My mother-in-law actually limits the booze. She actually marks the gin bottle. Iím lucky to get two fingers...

Of gin, dear boy...

If JLS were up there, on stage, jumping around in their little pants, it would make my day. Well, it would be interesting for five minutes and thatís better than nothing...

Leather pants?...

Theyíll be wearing leather pants, oh bloody super!...

Cliff Richard will be wearing leather pants. Oh bollocks!...

 

Preparations #5

Queen: †††††††† †††††††††††† (On her mobile phone)

Is that Sir Paul McCartney?...

This is the Queen...

Oh, you know who I am. Well that makes a bloody change...

Youíre going to be singing at my Diamond Jubilee concert...

I was hoping youíd sing a certain one of your songs for me, at the concert...

Iíd like you to sing the Frog Chorus, for my grandson Harry...

Because itís the only song he knows all the words to...

 

Preparations #6

prince philip: ††††† †††††††††††† (On his mobile phone)

That Gary Barlow?...

This is Prince Philip here...

Look, youíre the chappy organising this concert for my wifeís Diamond Jubilee...

I was wondering, what kind of totty have you got lined up for this concert of yours?...

Well the wifeís really getting on now, sheís let herself go and she isnít that much to look at. I was hoping for some decent totty to look at. Donít want me falling asleep again, not like the last Royal Variety Performance, and the one before that, and the one before that, and, err. Well, that was all bloody embarrassing...

So, what totty have you got lined up?...

Shirley Bassey! Dear God! Sheís as old as the wife!...

Anne Lennox? She looks fine but sheís always talking about politics. I get enough of that when Charles and that woman come around. Organic this and organic that, and always about the farmers and those bloody biscuits of his. Weíve got a compost heap in the garden, somewhere, what more does he want...

God, isnít there going to be any decent totty there?...

Jessie who?...

Jessie J? Whoís she?...

A bisexual singer from East London, thatís more like it. Does she do that crumping dance? I really do like that crumping dance. My grandson, Harry, has lots of DVDs were half naked women doing that crumping dance. I could watch them all day long. Actually thatís what caused my heart trouble at Christmas...

Thatís all the totty youíve got lined up?...

Itís not exactly an A List concert is it?...

God, Iím never going to be able to stay awake through it...

 

Drew Payne,

February 2012.

 

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