Drew Payneís Website

Gay Marriage Monologues


Tory Wife:† †††††††††††† My husbandsí a Tory MP and Iím so proud to be a Tory wife. My husband, even though heís only a back bench MP, still he can get the right things done, make the right choices. And as his wife, I can tell him what to do.

So when that awful gay marriage bill came up I told him that he had to vote against it. Homosexuals getting married, how revolting! I told him to vote against it. And what did he do?... He only went and listened to his boyfriend and voted for it.

The bastard!


Nadine dorries:†††††††††††† †††††††††††† Iím Nadine Dorries, Tory MP, star of the jungle, and enemy of Tory posh boys like Cameron and Osborne, except for Boris. Heíd make a great Tory leader and heís totally shaggable.

I know about marriage, Iíve broken up two of them, and gay marriage is political suicide for us Tories. We shouldnít have anything to do with it. Itís far too modern for us, itís dragging us into the twentieth century and out of the 1950s were we belong.

If we support Gay Marriage, where will it lead us? Blonde, scouse, slappers on the front bench? Thatíll never happen.


home Countries woman:††††† †††††††††††† I feel totally betrayed. My own, beloved Tory party backing Gay Marriage! Itís the sort of thing those greasy, metropolitan Labour MPs would think up, not my beloved Tory party!

Homosexuals should never be allowed to marry. If they do, well itís a slippery slop, and well, you know where it will all end up... Yes, theyíll become just like us, and how are we supposed to hate them and keep them out of our lovely village?


Ann widdecombe:††††††††† †††††††††††† Iím Ann Widdecome, retired MP and Tory Pin-Up Girl from the 1990ís.

This Gay Marriage bill is going too far and Iím ashamed itís the Tory party behind it. The Tory party has always been the party of the traditional family. Some of my former colleagues supported Family Values so much that they even had two or three of their own families, at once. Of course, I never married. I was married to my career and I could never find the right wo... wo... wo-willing man to take me on.

Gay Marriage is going too far. I question whether this Cameron is a true Tory. Just look at his MPs; openly homosexual men, single mothers, divorced women, Asians, and even a black man! Traditionally, these were the sort of people we hated as Tories!


woman:††††††† †††††††††††† My sisterís a Christian and sheís always going on about how marriage is only between a man and a woman and how she hates gay marriage.

So I said to her what about Prince Charles, heíll be head of the Church of England one day, if he can last that long. He married a woman, one chosen by his father, while he was still seeing his mistress, who was married to another man. When his wife found out she went off and shagged a load of Guards Men, and some rugby players. They only got a divorce when his wife blabbed all on TV. Then Charles married his mistress, very untraditional.

So a marriage is between a man, a woman, his married mistress, her taste in Guards Men, and an interview on Panorama. And my sister says gays shouldnít marry.


baroness thatcher:† †††††††††††† Iím Baroness Thatcher, the greatest Prime Minister this country has ever known... I said, Iím the greatest Prime Minister this country has ever known!... Peasants!

That slimy toe, Cameron, is going on about something called Gay Marriage, and all those back benchers were... were... bloody annoying! They always were.

Gay marriage! Gay marriage! There are far more important things than that... We should be invading the Falklands! Save them from the bloody Argres!

Norman! Norman! Get the troops! This is war! Norman! Norman!

Bloody hell! Itís worse than I thought! My incontinence pad has fallen out...


Caroline dinenage:†††† †††††††††††† Iím Caroline Dinenage, Conservative MP and daughter of the TV presenter Fred Dinenage. We all have own shame to bare

Banning gay couples from marrying takes nothing away from their relationships. Thatís what my government should be doing, not trying to pass this Gay Marriage bill.

If a gay man wants to get married then he can marry a woman. Heíll be deeply unhappy, but isnít that what traditional marriage is all about?


woman:††††††† †††††††††††† Iím a lesbian and I donít see whatís so great about straight marriage.

Look at Chris Huhne and Vicky Pryce. He goes speeding down the motorway and gets caught. He asks her to say it was her because heís got too many penalty points. Thatís all illegal. He then goes and cheats on her. Sheís really pissed off, so she goes to the press and blabs all. He loses his job and it looks like heíll go to prison. Sheís on trail and looking like a real vengeful bitch.

That would never happen with my girlfriend and me. She canít drive.


maria miller:†††††† †††††††††††† Iím Maria Miller, the Culture Secretary and Minister for Women and Equalities, and I completely support Gay Marriage. It rewards same-sex couples in stable, committed, loving relationships. It promotes responsibility and pride to all same-sex couples. And most importantly of all, it gets the gays on our side. Because, God knows weíre going to need them at the next election to vote for us, or weíll get our arses creamed by Labour and... UKIP!


christian woman:†††††††† †††††††††††† Iím a Christian and gay marriage makes a mockery of all my traditional, Christian beliefs. Marriage is between a man and a woman, only!

Itís as the bible says, and these are the bible references my vicar gave me to prove it.

(She reads off a piece of paper)

Marriage is between a man and a woman... Good, see.

Between a man, his wives and his concubines. King Solomon had 300 concubines... Oh, how did he find the time?

Between a man, a woman and all her property, including her slaves. Genesis 1... Oh.

Between a man, a woman, another woman, another woman and loads more women. Thereís a lot of verses for polygamy and none against it... err... right.

Between one man and his brotherís widow. If a man dies than his brotherís to marry his widow... ugh, the thought of my brother-in-law.

Between a rapist and his victim... No, thatís wrong... No, it says so in Deuteronomy... Thatís icky.

Between a male soldier and his prisoner of war, as long as sheís a virgin... I canít watch The Great Escape in the same way, now.

(She throws piece of paper away)

Damn the bible! Itís so unreliable. How am I going to justify my prejudices now?


Drew Payne

February 2013.