Drew Payneís Website

Painful Health

†(Andrew Lansley sitting on a chair and holding an ice pack to his head. Enter Doctor and Nurse)

Doctor: ††††† †††††††††††† Whoís our next patient?

Nurse: †††††††† †††††††††††† A Mr. A Lansley.

Doctor: ††††† †††††††††††† Andrew Lansley, the Minister of Health?

Nurse: †††††††† †††††††††††† Thatís the one. He argued with some protesters outside the hospital and several of them hit him over the head with their placards.

Doctor: ††††† †††††††††††† Fair enough, Iíd do the same.

Nurse: †††††††† †††††††††††† And now heís in our A&E and demanding painkillers.

Doctor: ††††† †††††††††††† Letís have a look at him.

(Doctor and Nurse walk up to Lansley)

Lansley: ††† †††††††††††† Iíve been waiting here hours and no one has given my painkillers!

Nurse: †††††††† †††††††††††† Heís been like this all the time.

Lansley: ††† †††††††††††† My headís killing me, I could have a fractured skull.

Nurse: †††††††† †††††††††††† We couldnít be so lucky.

Lansley: ††† †††††††††††† I need painkillers!

Doctor: ††††† †††††††††††† And you want them.

Lansley: ††† †††††††††††† And I want the best ones.

Doctor: ††††† †††††††††††† All right, letís see which ones would be best for you.

Nurse: †††††††† †††††††††††† Doctor, wait. We canít advise Mr Lansley which painkillers to have.

Doctor: ††††† †††††††††††† Why not?

Nurse: †††††††† †††††††††††† Because Mr Lansley refuses to listen to doctors and nurses.

Lansley: ††† †††††††††††† Iím in pain here!

Nurse: †††††††† †††††††††††† Weíve repeatedly told him of the harm his reforms will do to the NHS but he just ignores us.

Doctor: ††††† †††††††††††† Yes, he says weíre only complaining because he cut our pensions.

Nurse: †††††††† †††††††††††† When in fact weíre worried about patient care and the future of the NHS.

Doctor: ††††† †††††††††††† Yet this git only listens to people who agree with him.

Lansley: ††† †††††††††††† Whereís my painkillers?

Doctor: ††††† †††††††††††† Mr Lansley, I couldnít possibly advise you what painkillers to take because youíve repeatedly ignored doctorsí advice in the past.

Nurse: †††††††† †††††††††††† It would be irresponsible of us to offer you advice when we know youíre just going to ignore us.

Lansley: ††† †††††††††††† My headís killing me!

Doctor & Nurse: ††††††††† †††††††††††† Promise!

Lansley: ††† †††††††††††† Iíve sat here so long Iíve got a pain in my arse.

Doctor & Nurse: ††††††††† (High Fiving each other) ††††† †††††††††††† Result!

Lansley: ††† †††††††††††† This is only because Iíve cut your pensions. I want to go private. I want a second opinion!

Doctor & Nurse: ††††††††† †††††††††††† Youíre a bastard!

 

Drew Payne

February 2012.

 

Andrew Lansley, the then Health Minister, was still trying to push through his reforms to the NHS; reforms that seem universally unpopular, unless youíre one of the few who supported Lansley (Did anyone support him?). His bold-faced arrogance and refusal to listen to anyone who didnít fully agree with him really angered me. Hereís my response to him and his bloody, useless reforms.