Drew Payneís Website

Three Sketches on Pope Benedictís Resignation

Pope Benedict XVI Resignation Speech

Pope Benedict XVI: †††††††††† †††††††††††† It is with a heavy heart I announce that I intend to resign as Pope at the end of this month, but I have no choice. I have heroically fought against the tide of secularism but I now no longer feel adequate for that fight. Last week the British parliament voted for gay marriage. What is the point of being Pope if I canít even stop the English agreeing to Gay MarriageÖ Also, the shysters have cancelled my Grindr account.



The Nunís Disappointment

Nun:†† †††††††††††† †††††††††††† Ah itís terrible news about the Pope, him resigning like that. And itís left me in a terrible position with me ministry to the little kiddies. Iíd be teaching them their religious instruction and if the little kiddies misbehaved, Iíd tell them to behave or the ugly old Pope would come and get them... Now heís resigned, who am I going to threaten the little feckers with?



The Pope Factor

Cardinal San Bene Detto de Tronto

Female Interviewer


Interviewer:††††††† †††††††††††† Iím here with Cardinal San Bene Detto de Tronto.

Cardinal:†† †††††††††††† †††††††††††† Cioa.

Interviewer:††††††† †††††††††††† Cardinal, youíre here to talk to me about the election of the new pope.

Cardinal:†† †††††††††††† †††††††††††† Thatís me.

Interviewer:††††††† †††††††††††† But Cardinal, this is an usual move for the Catholic Church. Youíre usually so secretive about the churchís inner workings.

Cardinal:†† †††††††††††† †††††††††††† Weíve decided to be more open as a church. We want to bring the church into the twentieth century.

Interviewer:††††††† †††††††††††† Weíre in the twenty-first century now.

Cardinal:†† †††††††††††† †††††††††††† Thatís too modern for us Catholics.

Interviewer:††††††† †††††††††††† Yes, we donít burn witches anymore.

Cardinal:†† †††††††††††† †††††††††††† We feel that this is where we went wrong with the old pope, not trying to be open. We also want to attract more younger people into our congregations.

Interviewer:††††††† †††††††††††† Young people?

Cardinal:†† †††††††††††† †††††††††††† Forty year olds. Hey, thatís young for our congregations.

Interviewer:††††††† †††††††††††† And how are you going to do that?

Cardinal:†† †††††††††††† †††††††††††† Well, weíre very impressed with that television show, The X Factor.

Interviewer:††††††† †††††††††††† Oh, the show that nurtures completely unrealistic dreams in no-hope people, while Simon Cowell rigs the votes.

Cardinal:†† †††††††††††† †††††††††††† Yes, it fits in perfectly with the Catholic Church.

Interviewer:††††††† †††††††††††† What changes have you made to the election of the new pope?

Cardinal:†† †††††††††††† †††††††††††† To start with we have divided it up into several different rounds.

Interviewer:††††††† †††††††††††† Just like the X-Factor.

Cardinal:†† †††††††††††† †††††††††††† Round one is the swim suit round.

Interviewer:††††††† †††††††††††† But most of the cardinals are over eighty and fat.

Cardinal:†† †††††††††††† †††††††††††† Yes, itís not a pretty sight but we will get it over with quickly.

Interviewer:††††††† †††††††††††† Then what?

Cardinal:†† †††††††††††† †††††††††††† Round two, the talent round.

Interviewer:††††††† †††††††††††† Oh God, not cardinals singing Witney Houstonís The Greatest Love?

Cardinal:†† †††††††††††† †††††††††††† No, no, no. Something more important than that.

Interviewer:††††††† †††††††††††† Thereís nothing more important than Witney!

Cardinal:†† †††††††††††† †††††††††††† We vote on which cardinal manages to preach a sermon that pisses off the most number of minorities, especially the gays.

Interviewer:††††††† †††††††††††† Classy?

Cardinal:†† †††††††††††† †††††††††††† We thought so.

Interviewer:††††††† †††††††††††† What next?

Cardinal:†† †††††††††††† †††††††††††† Round three is the speciality round.

Interviewer:††††††† †††††††††††† Oh God, whatís that?

Cardinal:†† †††††††††††† †††††††††††† We see how many sex scandals the cardinals can cover-up in thirty minutes.

Interviewer:††††††† †††††††††††† Cover-up?

Cardinal:†† †††††††††††† †††††††††††† Itís the Catholic way.

Interviewer:††††††† †††††††††††† Like sexism and homophobia.

Cardinal:†† †††††††††††† †††††††††††† And fish on Fridays.

Interviewer:††††††† †††††††††††† I never got that.

Cardinal:†† †††††††††††† †††††††††††† Well, itís because fish are...

Interviewer:††††††† †††††††††††† (Interrupting) And Iím not interested. Iím on the sex and guacamole diet.

Cardinal:†† †††††††††††† †††††††††††† Ah, Cardinal OíBrienís favourite diet. He likes a chunky Mexican.

Interviewer:††††††† †††††††††††† After all those rounds youíve finally picked the new pope?

Cardinal:†† †††††††††††† †††††††††††† No, not yet. Then we have the sudden death round.

Interviewer:††††††† †††††††††††† Sudden death?

Cardinal:†† †††††††††††† †††††††††††† Many of our cardinals are very, very old.

Interviewer:††††††† †††††††††††† I suppose it cuts down on the votes you have to count.

Cardinal:†† †††††††††††† †††††††††††† My argument too.

Interviewer:††††††† †††††††††††† So what happens next?

Cardinal:†† †††††††††††† †††††††††††† From our final five cardinals we vote on who we want to be pope, the most popular cardinal.

Interviewer:††††††† †††††††††††† And the winner gets to be pope.

Cardinal:†† †††††††††††† †††††††††††† He gets to wear the red, Gucci slippers and be the most powerful man in the world.

Interviewer:††††††† †††††††††††† And the four losers?

Cardinal:†† †††††††††††† †††††††††††† Theyíre cast into outer darkness. Well, theyíre sent to North Wales, which is the same thing.

Interviewer:††††††† †††††††††††† And all this is supposed to make the Catholic Church more popular?

Cardinal:†† †††††††††††† †††††††††††† Popular? Popular? No, weíre doing it because itíll be fun.

Interviewer:††††††† †††††††††††† But donít you want to make the Catholic Church popular?

Cardinal:†† †††††††††††† †††††††††††† Popular? Why would we want to be popular? Weíre rich and powerful already.


Drew Payne

March 2013.