Drew Payne’s Website
Headmistress (Standing at a lectern):
Good morning girls and welcome to this morning’s assembly.
Today I want to talk about your forthcoming A Level results. Next week your results come in and we need to prepare, the school’s honour is at stake.
We’re living in a credit crunch and at school we have certainly felt the financial squeeze, in the last year we’ve seen pupil numbers fall and that has deeply reduced our revenue from your fees. We’ve already had to switch from Perrier water, in the school canteen, to Sainsbury’s carbonated water. We had that awful incident, in the spring term, when we actually had bailiffs turn here at school. Though congratulations to Miss Polczynski’s Lower Sixth Form for driving those bailiffs away. Who knew Ju-Jitsu and macramé could be used together.
That reminds me, on your way out don’t forget to sign the commiserations card to Holiday Carmichael on her father being convicted of insider trading.
Back to what I was saying.
We need to raise the school’s profile, so to that end I’ve invited photographers from the Daily Telegraph, Daily Mail, The Tattler, Horse and Hound and Hello magazine to school for when you receive your A-Level results. We need a double-page features in at least two publications, so girls I need you looking your best...
What did you say, January Pilkington?...
No, I haven’t invited the Daily Express or Heat magazine. This is The Catherine the Great School for Young Ladies, not the Katie Price Academy for WAGS and Sluts!
Now, I’ve got notices to give about when you receive your A-Level results, and it’s very important that you remember them.
First, whatever your results are, if any photographer asks you, you got two A’s and a B...
Yes, even you Ophelia Winterbottom.
Now, Jocasta McDuff and Carsica Browne that moratorium I placed on you wearing your under-wire bras is now rescinded.... Rescinded... No, Carsica, you can wear them. I want you to wear them when you get your results, and have the top three buttons of your blouses undone.
Strawberry Fields, Passion Fruit Slocomb and Pippa Essex, I want you to wear your shortest skirts.
Andalucía Smith and Eugenie Palace-House, remember that Cheer Leading routine you did at Founders’ Day that got you a week’s detention?... Good, you do. I want you to perform that routine, for the photographers, when you open your results.
Now, Doris Daily, Agatha Perrywhite-Jones and Parashuram Patel you’ll all stay at home and get your results by text…
Agatha Perrywhite-Jones, how dare you have that attitude with me! You three might be the best achieving girls in the school but you’re also the plainest. I can’t afford you spoiling the photographs.
This isn’t about who’s the prettiest, it’s about raising the school’s profile with the most photogenic of you girls.
So remember girls, I want to see big hair, plenty of cleavage and acres of thigh. Make your school proud and whore yourselves out for those photographers. God knows, we need the cash.
Every year we have the claims that A Levels are “dumbing down” but there’s something else that happens around A Level results time and this sketch is about that.