Drew Payneís Website

Stacey, Whatís Your Story?

Stacey Ė has a northern accent and stands very still

PR Woman Ė very animated and excitable


(Stacey stands behind a microphone on a stand, PR Woman prowls around Stacey, with a clipboard in her hand)


Stacey:†††††††††† †††††††††††† I walk up to the mic and start singing me song.

PR Woman:†† †††††††††††† Stacey, stop there! You havenít told us who youíre singing for.

Stacey:†††††††††† †††††††††††† Oh yeah. I want to sing this song for me gran, sheís sixty-seven.

PR Woman:†† †††††††††††† And whatís wrong with her?

Stacey:†††††††††† †††††††††††† She smells a bit and moans a lot but sheís really healthy.

PR Woman: † †††††††††††† No, sheís got to be ill. Cancerís good, very good. Waiting for a new kidney or better still a new heart is good too. Nothing where you dribble or piss yourself, thatís never tested well with people.

Stacey: ††††††††† †††††††††††† Me granddad says sheís got Alzheimerís, but thatís because she nags him.

PR Woman: † †††††††††††† No! Focus groups donít like Alzheimerís! Too scary. Isnít there anyone in your family whoís got any decent problems?

Stacey:†††††††††† †††††††††††† Thereís me cousin, Orlando.

PR Woman:†† †††††††††††† Whatís wrong with him?

Stacey:†††††††††† †††††††††††† Heís got a terrible shop lifting habit.

PR Woman:†† †††††††††††† Heís a kleptomaniac?

Stacey:†††††††††† †††††††††††† No, he keeps getting caught all the time.

PR Woman:†† †††††††††††† What about your mother? Please God, thereís something wrong with her.

Stacey:†††††††††† †††††††††††† She keeps nicking me boyfriends.

PR Woman: † †††††††††††† Sex addict? The addiction that dare not speak its name. Thatís a hard sell but I could work with it.

Stacey: ††††††††† †††††††††††† Sheís no sex addict, sheís just like, you know, a real slut.

PR Woman:†† †††††††††††† Look, think Stacey! Someone in your family has got to have an illness we can use! Think! Think!

Stacey:†††††††††† †††††††††††† Thereís me granddad.

PR Woman:†† †††††††††††† Yes? Yes?

Stacey:†††††††††† †††††††††††† Heís had to go to the doctor.

PR Woman: † †††††††††††† What for?

Stacey:†††††††††† †††††††††††† His farts can empty a whole room. Me granís going mad, the smell makes her gag and two of her budgies have died.

PR Woman: † †††††††††††† Stacey! God! What song are you going to sing? Maybe we can work with that.

Stacey:†††††††††† †††††††††††† Hit Me Baby One More Time, by Brittany Spears.

PR Woman:†† †††††††††††† Because youíve got a relative whoís a battered wife? Thank God, I can really work with that!

Stacey:†††††††††† †††††††††††† No! Itís the only song I know all the way through.

PR Woman:†† †††††††††††† For Godís sake Stacey! Weíve put a lot of work into this! We canít have you falling at the first fence. Youíll never get to final of the X Factor if you havenít got a decent sob story!

†††††††††††† (Stacey bursts into loud sobs)

PR Woman:†† †††††††††††† Thatís it! Thatís brilliant!


Drew Payne

May 2011.


I donít like the X Factor and I donít like what it is doing to the music industry, let alone the nasty false hope it breeds in people that they can be come celebrities. Hereís my take on that awful program.