Drew Payneís Website

The High Cost of Living

Carol Thatcher:††††††† †††††††††††† (Answering a ringing telephone)

†††††††††††† C. Thatcher here!... C. Thatcher!... Iím not swearing! Thatís my name. Carol Thatcher!... Whom I speaking to?... Who are you?... Are you from The Guardian, that bloody socialist rag?... The Committee on Standards in Public Life?... Let me tell you, celebrities today have no morals. That Kim Kardashian, married less days then she was engaged, and she got married with indecent haste. Thatís the actions of a pure slut... Oh, youíre them. Youíre the ones who agree MPsí expenses, bloody bean counters... Look, Mummy isnít an MP anymore and I donít want to be one, not under Botox Daveís leadership... What expenses?... Well Mummy claims her basic living expenses, sheís entitled to it as our greatest living prime minister... Stop laughing! That wasnít a joke!... What?... Mummy hasnít claimed half a million in expenses... Oh, youíve got the receipts... Look, looking after mummy doesnít come cheap. Industrial Tribunals are bloody expensive... Itís complicated... Mummy still thinks the Cold War is still on. Thatís bad enough. Then, the only people the agency send us as domestics are Polish. Those Poles are bloody good workers, but when I bring someone Polish into our home Mummy thinks the Reds have invaded and grabs her scimitar. Before you know it weíre back in an Industrial Tribunal... And I have to pay top rate for the nurses who look after Mummy, some of them even claim danger money. Danger money!... No! Mummy tells them what she did to the NHS and that girls only become nurses to marry doctors. Then I have to pay them double just to stay... Then thereís all Mummyís security, especially with all the death threats... No, the oneís Mummy makes. If I leave her alone with the telephone for five minutes and sheís phoning the heads of Europe and telling them what she thinks of them and threatening to invade them... Then thereís all the dry cleaning, and getting stains out of crushed velvet sofas isnít easy... Mummy isnít incontinent, not that Iím admitting over an open telephone line. No, getting all the drool out of the furniture after Liam Fox and his ďfriendsĒ have visited. They just sit there and drool with envy as Mummy tells them all her stories on how she beat the unions, and Europe, and the Labour Party, and whoever else... Look! I said, looking after Mummy doesnít come cheap. Let me remind you of the scene she caused at the unveiling of the statue to Ronnie Reagan, this summer... Mummy thinks Ronnie is still alive and running America. So when they unveiled the statue, Mummy thought the Russians had assassinated him. She was screaming for Heseltine to start bombing Russia. Fortunately the only journo there was from the Daily Mail and he was pissed, it was after lunch... What!!... I donít care if Botox Dave is trying to cut government expenditure, I need that money to take care of Mummy, itís not easy! Take the money from some awful, socialist, inner city council. No one cares about them but England still loves Mummy... Donít take that attitude with me! Mummy deserves that money, every penny of it... If you stop Mummyís expenses youíll force me to take desperate action... Iíll take Mummy to the House of Lords and leave her there. Then youíll have to look after her and have to put up with her interrupting every debate. She thinks itís still the nineteen-eighties... Good, we know where we stand and Iíll expect Mummyís expenses as normal...

(She hangs up the telephone)

Bloody, pencil necked, bean counter!

Mummy! Mummy!

Put your scimitar down! Thatís the nice little man with our Occado delivery not a Chinese agent sent to assassinate you!

(She rushes off stage)



Drew Payne

November 2011.



In 2011 we found out that Margaret Thatcher had been paid half a million in expenses, for what! This sketch came out of that (It was performed in a slightly different form, it had Thatcher directly speaking to the audience but all the jokes were the same)